Author: NOVATB837@oneonta.edu

30 November 2020

The Final Entry

          I’ve officially lost count of how many days it’s been since quarantine began. Well, I really didn’t, but this introduction is a bit funnier considering this is the final diary entry of the semester. I honestly can’t put into words how much I like to write. I enjoy formal writing, but this kind of writing is so therapeutic for me. Getting to let my personality flow out a bit is honestly fun, but it’s also nice to just get my random thoughts out. Knowing that somebody else is reading this also makes it fun too. This assignment even got me thinking about changing my major. I love chemistry, I really do,  but I also love writing. I’ve had more fun and creative thought with these entries than I’ve had with any other college assignment so far, and I’m really grateful that I got to do this. I looked forward to this every week. I may not get all the points for this final entry, but it’s okay, because what I really wanted to say with this entry was thank you. Like I said before, this assignment genuinely relived so much stress and anxiety from me throughout the semester, and I’m really thankful for you as a professor for assigning it, and I think it’s really awesome that you incorporated this into your teaching.

P.S.: Thank you for reading!

21 November 2020

Diary Entry Nine: Two-Hundred and Seventy-Six

          It has now been two-hundred and seventy-six of this slow and torturous cycle of life. It literally feels like yesterday was March, and now suddenly it’s the end of November. Is this just how time goes by when you’re getting older? Speaking of which, It’s hard to believe that my birthday is in less than a month.

          I’m going to be nineteen years old. How is that even possible? That seems so old. I genuinely remember being 12 years old and it feeling like it was yesterday. Now suddenly I have to shave everyday, and I swear I’m starting to get joint pain. Aging really isn’t something that bothers me. I’m not scared of having to be responsible, or dying or any of that. My fears regarding aging have to do with physically looking old. As much as I try to dispute it, I’m definitely a bit high-matinecne when it comes to my appearance. I don’t wanna see my skin sag, and I DEFINITELY do not want to see my hair fall out. I feel like I’m gonna be one of those old people with tons of plastic surgery that end up looking really weird. There’s a huge chance that I’ll just outgrow this weird fear too, but who knows. It’s also crazy to think about how close to twenty I am. When I was younger, I thought I’d be married by age twenty. I definitely do wish I was married, and to a very wealthy man might I add, but I think I can see how unrealistic that was to think. It’s also weird, because twenty seems so old, yet so young. I feel like I’ve almost made being a young teenager part of my identity, and now it’s not going to be anymore. I probably sound ridiculous, but it really has been in my mind lately.

P.S.: I wonder what gifts I’m going to get!

14 November 2020

Diary Entry Eight: Two-Hundred and Sixty-Nine

          Welcome to the two-hundred and sixty-ninth day of our corona-cation! Hopefully you’re staying sane, because I am doing the complete opposite. It’s important to have an outlet in times of stress, especially when you’re practically stuck at home. Whether it’s exercise, drawing, cooking or cleaning, it’s imperative that you do the thing that makes you feel happy and secure. Personally, my outlet is music. I’ve always loved music, and I’ve always had an appreciation for learning about all different genres of music regardless of the language. This coupled with my addictive personality has caused me to develop a very expensive hyper-fixation on K-pop. I bet you weren’t expecting that.

          K-pop stands for “Korean Pop,” however it doesn’t only contain typical pop music. K-pop is more of an umbrella term that encompasses literally anything sung in Korean. That’s all fine and dandy, but you’re probably wondering what the appeal is. The simple answer being pretty girls, good music, and catchy dances. It’s really odd, but K-pop is almost formulated to make you develop an obsession with the idols, or artists that you like. It’s almost as if you aren’t just being sold music, but a person as well. That sounded creepy, but that’s beside the point. K-pop is just a really nice escape for me. My life has been really miserable lately in all honesty, but I get so happy when I put my favorite group on the screen and watch them perform. Seeing them in interviews, game shows and even just their daily vlogs makes me feel really happy and calms my anxieties down. It’s definitely a little out-there, and I know it’s silly, but it makes me happy. As sad as it sounds, K-pop also gives me something to look forward to. Whether it’s a new album, a new performance, or even just a new interview, it makes this seemingly never ending cycle of quarantine enjoyable.

P.S.: BLACKPINK’s documentary is available on Netflix now! Watch it if you get a chance!

7 November 2020

Diary Entry Seven: Two-Hundred and Sixty-Two

          It’s been two-hundred and sixty-two days since our formal quarantine began, though some think its over. I’m starting to realize that that little voice in my head might’ve been right about taking a gap year. Online school is absolutely abysmal, especially if you’re a Chemistry major like myself. I genuinely cannot believe this is my life.

          The year started off okay. I felt optimistic about online school, and I felt like maybe I would be able to handle the responsibilities of juggling due dates, studying, a job, my social life and my home life. I was miserably wrong. Like, I genuinely could not have been more wrong about anything. Learning calculus from your bedroom is not easy in the slightest. Doing chemistry labs on a computer screen after you’ve worked a 9 hour shift is not easy. Having to join a breakout room with random people on a video call is just weird and obnoxious. To add on to an already horrible experience, everything bad that could possibly happen in my life decided to happen. I didn’t do absolutely anything for two straight weeks because I was crying in my bed and wanting to rot away. I’m in no way trying to place blame on anybody but myself, because I should’ve still been responsible enough to get myself together, but alas, that is not what I did. Ever since those two weeks, I’ve been in a really negative headspace when it comes to school. I get anxious from even looking at my laptop. I know, it’s only my first year and I’ll have many more to get my grades up and actually do well. To be fair, we are in the middle of a pandemic, and the conditions for learning weren’t exactly the best, but still. It sucks knowing that you’re capable of so much more as a student, but not being able to show your professors that. My mom however, is still going to kill me after she sees my grades.

P.S.: That felt AMAZING to get off my chest.

26 September 2020

Diary Entry Three: One-Hundred and Ninety-Eight

            It’s officially been one-hundred and ninety-eight days since quarantine began, and honestly today has been the worst. Bad days are inevitable, but for some reason they always seem to sneak up on us when we least expect them to. It’s even worse when your favorite person is the cause of your bad day.

            Relationships are tricky, and that’s hardly a profound statement, but it is true. The amount of trust that goes into a relationship has always scared me. When you’re in a relationship, somebody could tell you that they deeply care about you and they could literally just be lying, but for some odd reason you believe them. You really don’t know what’s going on in their brain and you just have to trust that they’re being honest. However, sometimes somebodies’ actions might not reflect what they’ve been telling you. If they really felt strongly about you, why would they do that? If they really meant all the things they said, how could they do something that could hurt you this much? Maybe it really was a mistake on their part, maybe it was malicious, or maybe they’re genuinely confused. You can tell them how much they’ve hurt you with they did, but all you’ll get is a seemingly empty apology. How can you be expected to believe an apology when you’re questioning the authenticity of all the times they told you that they care about you? At the same time, how can you be sure that they aren’t actually remorseful if they truly do care about you? It’s a tough spot to be in, right? The worst part is, you genuinely do have feelings for them, and now you’re left to deal with it, all alone.

Feelings suck.

P.S.: You don’t need him. At all.

19 September 2020

Diary Entry Two: One-Hundred and Ninety-One

            It’s now been one-hundred and ninety-one days since quarantine began, or at least since quarantine began in the United States. One-hundred and ninety-one days ago it was Spring, and now it’s about to be Fall. I don’t know what’s more mind boggling; the fact that its been nearly two-hundred days cooped up in the house, or that almost all four seasons have passed during quarantine. Honestly, they both blow my mind at the same rate.

            It’s weird how much I’ve actually noticed the seasons changing this year. Usually it would just feel like one day it was cool and rainy, and the next week it was hot and humid. I never noticed the gradual changes in nature that happened when the seasons changed, and I don’t think I would’ve if quarantine never happened. I know this sounds like the corniest thing in the world, but its honestly pretty cool. Since I’ve had a lot more free-time, I’ve been going out into my backyard to play with my dog nearly everyday since March. There’s these tall bushes that border the fence along my backyard that sprout the prettiest purple flowers every Spring. I actually got to see them bloom this year rather than just noticing that they were there one day. It seems mundane, and it honestly is, but I’ve never really been the type to appreciate the beauty of nature. I like the fact that I’m starting to build up that appreciation.

P.S.: Winter is the best season. Summer simply cannot compete.

12 September 2020

Diary Entry One: One-Hundred and Eighty-Four Days

            One-Hundred and eighty-four days ago was the last time I was physically in a classroom. It’s a weird feeling honestly; it’s what I’ve always wanted, but at the same time I miss it. The remainder of the school year was pretty much a cake walk, with assignments being watered down versions of what they were supposed to be, and nearly every teacher asking us how COVID-19 has affected our day to day life. My answers were almost always the same, usually just stating how I feel like it’s an extended summer vacation. One of my biggest worries though, was how remote learning would work once I made it to the “big scary monster” that was college.

            Turns out, the only big scary monster here is the creature known as “procrastination.” I’m sure we’ve all met them quite a few times in life, and today they’ve decided to make themselves company in my bedroom (metaphorically of course, otherwise that’s weird). Honestly speaking, my college workload has been oddly light so far. The problem is that since I’m home, it feels as if there’s no real reason to actually do any of the work. Online deadlines don’t even feel real, and it genuinely feels like there’s no consequences for not completing assignments. It really does feel like June through August was just a really long vacation, and now I’m just in senior year part two. I think the fact that I’m still in my hometown surrounded by all my friends makes it feel even more like high school: the sequel, but who knows. Regardless of how fake this all feels, I still have a very real pre-calculus assignment due in about 2 hours that I have yet to start. Wish me luck.

P.S.: Feel free to see your way out, procrastination monster. Like seriously, leave.